Rest in peace, Angel

My family decided to put our 17 and a half year old dog, Angel, to sleep.

She's been with us for 15 years already and recently she had quite a bit of trouble walking and her tail doesn't wag anymore.

My mom was the first to tell us about the sudden change in her. From about a year ago, she gradually lost her sight and hearing but her tail still remained high and she was still strong and healthy. My dad frequently boasts about our 17-year-old dog who was still as healthy as a fiddle.

A week ago after my mom told us about her tail, my dad asked if we should put her down. She hadn't been eating well and she looked terrible. I was for it. She really lost all her power and she looked so sad every day. I felt terrible looking at her that day.

On Saturday, she could barely stand straight. My dad fired me a couple of questions, again, about whether to put her down or not. But then, I couldn't really answer him anymore because it seems that her impending passing is a lot more real and near. Actually he said he wanted to just let her pass naturally because he couldn't bear to put her down. My dad was a lot closer to Angel than anyone of us at home. At night, my mom gave her a shower and my dad cut her nails for her.

On Sunday, my dad called to ask again. I didn't give a definite answer. I went out and when I got back, I saw that she wasn't sleeping in her little blue box anymore. Saw my mom and she answered my question with a reassuring smile.

She said my dad dug a hole for her and buried her.

I don't know why I'm sad and crying when she ought to feel so much better than these past few weeks. She probably managed to sleep with her eyes fully closed. I'm quite glad for her.

I probably haven't been as loving to her as I am towards Xiaohei. Maybe I should have been. But it's a little too late to regret that now. I'm just glad she had a good and long life with us and she didn't miss out a lot on her part. You should have seen how my dad treated her.

Maybe I don't have to be so sad. Animals don't know that they'll die. They know when they're dying and sick but they don't know that they'll really die. So maybe she just felt that she was falling asleep more easily than she usually did.

I really don't like this whole past tense thing.